Quotes by Stand up Comedian Chelsea Handler

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
~ Chelsea Handler

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O.J. is pissed—he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
~ Chelsea Handler

Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
~ Chelsea Handler - Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
~ Chelsea Handler

Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
~ Chelsea Handler

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends—Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
~ Chelsea Handler

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another—for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
~ Chelsea Handler

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