Quotes by Stand up Comedian Chelsea Handler
~ Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat—Starbucks—so we can observe her and learn more about her.
~ Chelsea Handler
I have more respect for somebody who's like, "Yeah I like to party, so screw off," then for Tara (Reid), who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway - not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
~ Chelsea Handler
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
~ Chelsea Handler
I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyoncé lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award—which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.
~ Chelsea Handler
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
~ Chelsea Handler
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
~ Chelsea Handler
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
~ Chelsea Handler
