Quotes by Stand up Comedian Chelsea Handler
~ Chelsea Handler
Britney Spears’ album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we’re at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
~ Chelsea Handler
Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?
~ Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere—his car drove itself.
~ Chelsea Handler
Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen’s breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with ‘Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God’s sake don’t ever take one away from Ellen!’
~ Chelsea Handler
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony…
~ Chelsea Handler
George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?
~ Chelsea Handler
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
~ Chelsea Handler
